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I was in kindergarten the first time I heard I was going to hell.
Hell was a lake a fire. A gaping furnace over which my five-year-old self dangled by a spider’s filament. A place of eternal torture and suffering for anyone who rejected Jesus.
In kindergarten, I wasn’t too young to learn what happened to crucifixion victims. Whipped with a cat-of-nine-tails, a whip with sharp objects that plowed the skin. Sometimes, my childhood pastor shouted, a victim’s insides fell out from the beating, and they died before they made it to their cross.
But if they survived, they dragged their crosses to their crucifixion spots. Their bodies were stretched out - naked, beaten, mangled, bloody - and nailed by hands and feet. Skin, muscles, tendons all tore when the cross was dropped in its hole.
Crucifixion victims hung for hours, sometimes days. Eventually, they suffocated.
I had nightmares about burning in hell. More nightmares about being crucified. I begged God to save me when I was five, hoping to make the nightmares stop.
I did not understand that the nightmares and the fears unleashed by these sermons were being intentionally triggered, a tool for indoctrination.
But how does a child block out trauma? How does a pre-teen cope with near-constant violent messaging? As I grew, descriptions became more graphic and violent. Hell burned hotter. Crucifixions became even more gruesome.
I was asked to imagine someone I loved spending eternity there. Repeatedly, for almost two decades, I was treated to this imagery.
This is how I was indoctrinated in Christian Nationalism. Day-by-day. Scene-by-scene.
The horrific imagery I outlined above served as a constant source of childhood and teenage trauma. As I grew, it grew with me. More blood. More gore. More heat. More suffering. All to keep my brain’s amygdala open and receptive to Christian Nationalist indoctrination.
I didn’t understand how my amygdala had been assaulted until I started EMDR therapy in my 50s. I’d spent almost two decades trying to undo this conditioning. Intellectually, I knew what it was; I understood it was bad.
But every time I encountered a trigger, I couldn’t shut off my reactions. Sometimes, I’d lose two weeks or a month to the aftereffects of one event.
“What is wrong with me?” I asked my therapist. “Why can’t I stop this?”
She explained that the amygdala is the brain’s fear processor. Consistent fear responses are buried there, and it is some of the most difficult brain programming to access. We were able to reprogram my amygdala with EMDR therapy. Had I not gone through that process, I wouldn’t be able to do this work.
All kinds of indoctrination, including the Christian Nationalist variety, use fear to cause trauma in the brain’s amygdala.
The fear response makes the brain more receptive to consistent messages the indoctrinators want to implant. They can then use a specific set of tools to control their victims.
is an expert on this kind of psychological conditioning. I recommend his work to understand the components of indoctrination. I’m trying to connect with him to invite him to chat with us (in case anyone here has an in.)In the following newsletters, Stewartson goes through the five basic steps abusers use to indoctrinate their victims. Please read the linked newsletters for descriptions of each step. They are:
Red-pilling and trauma - purposefully exposing someone to violent, upsetting situations and imagery
Dissociation - how a victim of red-pilling and trauma protects herself while seeking to reintegrate
Salvation - a savior arrives with steps to help a victim reintegrate
Refreezing - a set of messages that the savior constantly reinforces to control a victim
Mimetic synchrony - complete adaptation of messaging in all spheres of life (SOURCE: Jim Stewartson’s newsletters below)
Readers seeking to understand more about how many Americans are indoctrinated on multiple fronts and what we may be able to do about it should support Stewartson’s work.
How Stewartson’s five steps apply to my indoctrination
Red-pilling and trauma
Continuous exposure to violent, gory, nightmarish scenes of torture, death, and hell from kindergarten opened my brain’s amygdala.
Dissociation
As a child, I tried all kinds of things to escape during church. I drew in my Bible. I tried to sleep during church. I played with small toys. I made up stories. I daydreamed.
And I didn’t stand a chance.
Salvation
My pastor presented himself and those he elevated as the only vectors we should heed to escape hell-fire.
Refreezing
My pastor’s endorsements applied to all aspects of life: Religion; media; entertainment; dining; reading; education; academia and expertise; journalism; travel; shopping; and so much more. They were reiterated constantly and reinforced by the church and school community.
Over time, this trained me to refuse to listen to anyone who even hinted at another point of view. At the first signs of disagreement, I shut down, deployed my programmed responses, and fled the scene.
Mimetic synchrony
I can flip a switch in my brain and recall this indoctrination decades later. It becomes the most all-consuming force in a person’s life. Once a victim reaches this phase, they have an answer or a thought-terminating cliche for everything. It is extremely difficult to talk with them about anything they don’t want to hear, and it is near-impossible to persuade them to entertain any other viewpoint.
I was at the park with my dog and was getting her some water. Two LDS were there and it starts the way it always does: asking me questions about my dog, compliments, then the inevitable did I want to hear scripture? “No religious hocus pocus gentlemen, not interested”. Love the look on their faces as we walk away.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience to illustrate the harm of Christian nationalism. I grew up with similar fear-based messages, but thankfully my mom and dad did not agree with that approach to spirituality. My grandparents and some friends and their families did. My mom taught me how to question these things when I was in middle school when I came home telling her some troubling stuff. She did it in a way that helped me come to understanding in my own time. She had a real gift, like a Socratic method style of conversation that was compassionate while also being direct. It seems the conditioning you describe has happened politically with those who claim “the liberals already ruined it” as I heard an ICE agent say when bystanders objected to the warrantless arrest of a person in the street. (Video at meidas touch network). It seems there is an indoctrination that our country is going to hell or is ruined so it is ok to break the law and disregard due process. I don’t know if it is directly linked to Christian nationalism, but I think your writing on Project 2025 would support that it is. We saw it on J6 when people trespassed, destroyed property, and injured over 100 police officers doing their jobs but outnumbered by Americans who were rioting or engaged in an insurrection or both. Our nation is divided because of this brain washing of negativity.